by Jesmond Arbour
Stop looking at me!
I've only stopped for a second pee.
The third I shall save for Auntie Doris'
And maybe some more for the car park at Morrisons.
What's that man doing mummy? - a shrill voice cries
PISS OF YER LITTLE SHITE, OR I'LL SMITE YOUR EYES
Oh god, how simple life would be
As a Scarecrow - like this one in front of me.
So in I climb, into the clothes that were, once tied with string around the frame now bare.
The hat with straw sits atop my bonce while the allotment owner shouts:
What the jolly fuck do you think you're doing, sir?
You can also watch the author himself reading this poem:
Mr Arbour (the author) wanted to add "Where did you get that? I didn't write that. You must be mad sir, this is the work of a deranged drunkard!"